Moms & Back to School

[00:01:28] Hey everybody, welcome to Soul Food Priest podcast with Fr. Ben as always. It is wonderful to have you. I'm here with Keira Roddy. Hello. How's it going? Hello. It's good. It is. All good in the hood. All good. All good. It is, you know, sick kids and never know what life's gonna throw at you. Yeah. And, you know, okay look, here we go.

[00:01:52] Indeed. We had, reminds me of this past weekend at Mass, we had, there was somebody that was like, it sounded like their entire inner being was about to come out of their mouth. Oh no. And pleasant image. And so I was like, it was that moment that priests have where you think, I'm not gonna stop Mass and say, would you please quit coughing?

[00:02:17] Right. I'm not gonna do that. Nor am I gonna go down there. And I mean, short of falling over emergency, but cause I don't want to embarrass the person. Yeah. Yeah. But you never know. You never know what's gonna happen. Mm-mm. Yeah. And the changing of the seasons is just... Yeah, indeed. You don't know how it's gonna happen. Yeah. All of a sudden my kids will be playing soccer and then they've got a nosebleed and it's like, what is that? Yeah.

[00:02:43] But it's just, it's the seasonal change. It's the, and then people start coughing more in church. Mm-mm. I know. Sometimes with you priests, I've always like, I know he's preaching up there and there is that person that keeps coughing. And I'm like, what is he doing? What is he thinking right now? Like, I gotta stay focused on my homily, gotta stay focused on my homily. Yeah. Like, do you hear all of that when you're out there? Oh yeah. Okay. Oh yeah. I was like, or can you just block it out? 100%. We hear it all. Okay. And so there's, I mean, 100%.

[00:03:11] I mean, it's like, yeah, we hear, we have, and that's one of the great things about being an old priest like me is like the more, the older you get, you can't hear it all. Okay. I mean, cause you can't hear. Yeah. Yeah. And so, and so it's like, and then what I always laughed is sometimes we'll go to, we'll go to do the vigil before a funeral. Mm-hmm. They'll be doing a rosary and there's always that one person that's like 10 Hail Marys after everybody else. Oh yeah.

[00:03:41] So you'll be saying, Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord, as soon as you finish, they start. Uh-huh. Which throws everybody totally off. Mm-hmm. On the other hand, I had somebody say, see Father, we're doing, we're praying more now. And so like, we're praying double. We're doing double. Yeah. Two rosaries in one. Yeah. And so, and it's really funny cause usually the person is totally oblivious that they're doing it. Oh. So everybody's turning around and looking at them like, oh, this Catholic. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[00:04:11] So one never quite knows. I was, speaking of kids, I was thinking about now that like, I assume your kids are back at school. Yeah. So, well, we're interesting this year. This year, every one of our, all of our kids, except for the ones off to college, are being homeschooled this year. Oh, okay, good. This is our first time where every kid that's at home is actually homeschooled. Got it.

[00:04:35] For the majority of, majority of our marriage and, and the kids, you know, having a family, we've, the kids have gone to the parish. Schools. And, and so, but now this is. They're all in the CASA, man. They are all in the CASA, yeah. Wow. And so it's going to be interesting. Going to be very interesting for my husband. Yeah. But we have a good, we've got a good co-op. We've got several families who are involved and some who live in our neighborhood.

[00:05:04] So, I mean, so they have, it's, it's actually, you know, people are always worried about socialized, socialization and all that kind of stuff. I'm like, they're. You got plenty of that. I think they're going to be, I think they're going to be okay. Because they're just bebopping from each other's houses and. 100%. So, but yeah. So it'll be our daughter's first year to ever. She's going to be a freshman in high school. It'll be her first year ever to be at home and homeschooling. And she is like super extroverted. This will be interesting.

[00:05:34] This is good. This, this will be. There's a gospel this weekend. Be not afraid. Yeah. Yeah. I know. It's going to be purification for her and my husband. It's going to be fun. What do you, what do you think about the possibility like of your, like when I assume at homeschool for the people that don't know. Okay. Um, cause I was never homeschooled. Mm hmm. Like, can you, can you make up, can you just make up a class or do you have to follow strict thing? Like let's say that you want to do cooking class.

[00:06:04] Yeah. For your kids. Can you do that? Can that be part of the education? Yeah. Okay. That's awesome. Yeah. So like you, um, that's awesome. Like with the state of Tennessee, there's this, uh, academy that you can contact. Yeah. And, uh, so you contact them and they let you know like each year what is required and how many hours is required for each class and what subject they need to be taking, um, at that time. And so then, you know, you log the hours and you log it and, and you either, they provide

[00:06:34] some classes like some online classes. So like, if it's like algebra two where we're like, uh, we can teach that. Right. You can find other like online classes. Um, but like my husband will teach a class in which the kids will, they'll read a book, but they will cover history, theology. Um, and then he even like, they're going to do a Christmas Carol. So they're going to, um, learn how to make the, the pudding, like the Christmas pudding. Sure pudding. Yeah.

[00:07:04] So they're going to learn how to do that. So it's kind of, they get to like incorporate or they'll look into art, um, of the time period or stuff like that. So you kind of are able to incorporate all of those different things and all those different subjects in such a way that, you know, um, they don't realize they're getting so many subjects at one time, but they are. Yeah. I love it. I love it. And it's not just like blocked out. It's just all kind of really incorporated.

[00:07:30] Um, and so even I have a friend who lives a street over and she's gotten it. She's, you know, really great at sewing and quilting. And my daughter loves her and she's like, send, send her over here like once a week. And I can teach her how to sew and quilts and do stuff like that. Like home ec type stuff. That is so wonderful. Well, and I was like, okay.

[00:07:53] That, I think that's so great because there's these kind of, uh, alternative ways of learning that a lot of people just simply don't get nowadays. It may have been the norm years ago. Yeah. I mean, it's funny this past weekend, I was talking to, to a family after mass. I was talking to their kids. We did the backpack blessing of all the kids. Right. So I was talking to the kids afterwards and I said, uh, you guys excited? We got yes. We got no. We got yo. We got the whole thing. Okay. Yeah.

[00:08:21] And so kind of scary, kind of excited to see their friends kind of. So I, I always ask them, I said, how's the food at your school? And it is really, really funny to see the results because they, uh, this, this one kid, I mean, his parents, there's all these kids staying around. Right. And, and I said, Hey buddy, uh, how's, how's the, how's the food at your school? He's like, it sucks. And I'm like, all righty. Okay. That's great. Uh, and I was like, I said, he said, what's, uh, what's the food?

[00:08:51] Uh, I said, what's a bit your favorite thing that they've got? He said, well, they kind of got this pizza, but like when you eat the pizza, it like burns the top of your mouth and we've all been there. Yeah. And I'm like, I hear you, bro. I hear you. Yeah. Uh, like, uh, like, scalds the top pallet of your mouth for like four years. Pizza Friday. Oh, 100%. And so, but I was thinking later, I thought, I wonder if, I didn't know if that was like a

[00:09:21] legit thing, like you could do a cooking class. Yeah. And not just cook. I guess you could apply that to quilting and to different things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You could do so many different things. If you do gardening, you could in a way turn that into biology. If you, you know, so it's really interesting, but you do meet with, uh, you do meet with like counselors in over the course of the year to run some things past them and say, okay, will this count?

[00:09:51] Does this? Yeah. So that way. And then they take care of kind of the state level stuff. Got it. So they, they collect everything that you've done. So they approve some things. They might say, oh, that might be a stretch or whatever, but they ensure that when it was all is said and done, you've completed a full academic year. And, and they would be ready to enter into college. And so, yeah. So that then when you graduate, when the, when the kids graduate, um, that they've got

[00:10:20] all of the documentation that is then approved by universities. Um, so yeah, so it's actually, it's really, uh, it's intimate, it's scary. I mean, yeah, a lot of people are scared. A lot of people are scared to like pull that trigger to go to homeschooling, you know? Um, because I think a lot of people think, well, then I'm on my own, but you're really not. You're not. You're not. There is, there is a, there is an organization set up. There's a system. Like Chesterton. Yeah. Right.

[00:10:48] The, the, the Chesterton Academy. Okay. I think that, I think they kind of do that. And then, but see, that's really good to know because for, for people listening that don't know, like they've heard of homeschool, they just don't know how this operates. Yeah. I think they kind of think that they, some, a family gets a book and they kind of go over it together and stuff like that. But like, I think a lot of times to your point, it's, it's very important that they, that they have times that the kids can get together. Yeah.

[00:11:18] And I would imagine too, the parents, you're kind of learning from each other. Yeah. Okay. And I would say, this one's better at Spanish than me or vice versa. Yeah. And yeah. I mean, cause like, I think especially with now at this time of the year, with some of the kids going back to school for, for mothers in particular, am I correct to say, says the

[00:11:44] celibate man that, um, that in some ways it's a relief. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when I was stay at home mom and the kids would go back, you're like, Oh, and you're like, Oh, you're so sad to see them go. We're doing the first day of school pictures. You're like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe. And then they're gone for a few hours. And you're like, Ooh, this is nice. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there is that. Yeah. And you, you change the numbers on the house and paint the house. Oh, then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:12:13] I mean, it's like, look out, here we come. Uh huh. Let's see what we can do in a day. And it's, it's crazy how quick that day goes. Like you think, okay, we've got like six hours. Let's, it fills up quick. It can fill up really, really quickly. Um, and, uh, but, but it is, yeah, it is one of those things where at first you're like, Oh yeah. And then you're like, yeah. Yeah.

[00:12:39] Well, and, and then like the first, uh, the, for a lot of parents, right? The first day of first grade or the first day of college or something like that. It's, it's part of your heart. On the other hand, like you, I think it's, it's, it changes according to the age. Yeah. Cause you want to be there as a support. On the other hand, you don't want to be the smothering parent. Right. So you're kind of dancing back and forth and mom, don't embarrass me in front of my friends, this kind of thing. So yeah. Yeah.

[00:13:10] Well, that's what I was going to ask. I mean, how, how did that go for you is with, with your kids when you were dropping them off? Yeah. It depended on the kid actually. And kind of the age. Like, I think it's very true. I heard somebody say something about like, God prepares you for the various stages in parenting. Now that doesn't mean that it's going to be easier. Yeah. But I mean, in some ways it's easier and some ways that isn't.

[00:13:38] Um, so like, for example, like when they're newborn, they're so cute and adorable. And all you want to do is just love on them and smother them. Right. Like that's all you want to do, which is incredible because that's what needs to happen. Like they're 100% fully dependent upon you for everything. Yeah. And then the toddler years come and it like, like then God like allows you to kind of feel

[00:14:03] that, that smothering, like it's still there, but it starts to become a little more distant because now they're talking back and you're like, Whoa. And so then as they evolve and like go into teenage years, then it's a different feeling. Yeah. You know? So you have this other feeling. So it depended on like each kid and where they were and in each phase.

[00:14:28] So I mean, like when I dropped off the youngest at pre-K and then I would come here to work, I'm, I have an hour commute. I almost cried the first couple of times I dropped him off. Actually, like the first two weeks I dropped him off. I think I cried almost the solid hour coming back, coming here. And he was my fifth one. Yeah. I don't know why, but it was, I don't know why that was harder. Um, and, uh, it's where some of the other kids I was like, ah, have fun, you know, whatever. Like if they were going to fifth grade, I was like, okay.

[00:14:57] Cause they're the, each one of them is different. They're all different. And, and some are hyper independent where some need a bit more handholding. Yeah. Yeah. There's one of our parishioners who I'm very close with. And, um, he is a, an entrepreneur, started two companies, sold two companies. And, um, he, he once told me years ago and he's a friend, but also kind of a mentor.

[00:15:22] He told me that Ben, the, when you start a company, it goes through, it goes through stages just like raising a child. Like to your point. Mm-hmm . He said they go through, uh, a newborn stage, a toddler stage, a hyper independent teenage stage. Where they want to run off. Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm .

[00:15:53] Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . And then they, the company begins to run almost without you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And in fact, it runs sometimes better without you. Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . . . . And, um, and I told him, I said, when you're a pastor, uh, uh, just speaking for myself, I mean, I very, very much see that. Yeah. With a parish.

[00:16:15] Because I think, um, I think at least for us at this point, um, I would say that our, our parish is at a stage of, of perhaps maybe young adulthood. Mm-hmm . . . . I mean, the parish has been around since 1951. Yeah. But there really, it, it just does so well if I can take my hands off of it. Mm-hmm . . . Because we have wonderful staff like you guys.

[00:16:42] And, and so it's really beautiful to see. Yeah. And I think maybe that's perhaps the closest that. Mm-hmm . . . Pastors can get to what, like what you're talking about. Um, and every now and then of course we come in with a, with a bit of a support and direction and stuff like that. Yeah. But, um, you kind of lay out a vision, so to speak. Mm-hmm . . . But, yeah, I think it's, I, I would imagine kind of putting myself in mother's shoes.

[00:17:11] I mean, it's amazing the capacity of mothers to multitask. Yeah. I mean, people have asked me in the years past, like why do you, you know, I think, you know, 75% of our staff is, is our mothers more. Uh-huh . . . And they said, why do you, you know, why do you have some . . . I said, dude, they know how to multitask. And they're like, okay, valid point. And I'm like, yeah. I mean, guys, we got one thing, dude. Uh-huh . . . One thing.

[00:17:41] Yeah. And then, okay, now let's do the other. But like, like you guys will have multiple plates spinning. All the time. Yeah. And, uh, it's just incredible. Yeah. It's, um, yeah, you have to, you have to be adaptable. You have to adapt to so many different things. Yeah. Because you just don't know what's going to come in the day. Because you could drop the kids off and think, whoop, okay, I'm going to go home and I'm going to do the dishes and I'm going to dust and I'm going to do the laundry and I've got all of this stuff to do. Yeah.

[00:18:09] And then you get the random phone call from the, from the school saying, uh, kid just got sick. And you're like, scratching that. Yeah. You know, you just . . . You got to pivot. You have to pivot all the time. Mm-hmm . . . And, uh, and just, it's a roller coaster ride. And, uh, some days it goes as planned. Most days it does not. Yeah. And you have to be okay with that. That's one of the hardest things is having to be okay with that. But as it happens so many times, they're just kind of like, okay.

[00:18:39] Yeah. Like, you just get . . . You just kind of just get better at it. Right. And you, and you're in it and you know, okay, this and this and this and this is going on for all these different kids. Because it doesn't end just with school. Yeah, that's right. And then practices and games. Right. That's right. And we've got to figure out dinner and how we're going to get all around and all of the things. I mean, it is like sun up, sun down. I sit at the feet of the master. You know. Yes. It is. But, you know, it is . . .

[00:19:07] I think there's some interesting things that while teenagers can be very, like, self-independent, you know, just so independent at times. And we're just like, oh my gosh. It's a lot. You do start to see some of the fruits of the work. Yeah. And that's a really beautiful thing. If you can like hold on to those little pieces. Yes. The fruits of the work of . . . You know, because when they're little, you're like, is any of this sticking? I don't know if that's good. Yeah. And then you start to see some glimmers of that coming out and you're like, wow.

[00:19:37] Okay, these are cool people. Yeah. They drive me crazy. But they're really cool people. Yeah, indeed. You know. Well, and not to interrupt you, but I think that's an excellent point because my next question was going to be what advice would you have for young parents? Because like, for instance, yesterday I had two baptisms. Mm-hmm. Both . . . For both kiddos, it's their parents' first child, right? And . . .

[00:20:04] And I'm just kind of thinking as one that is . . . Yeah. It's not your first rodeo. I mean, you've weathered a lot as parents, you and your husband. Like, what thoughts there would you give for them, especially now? Mm-hmm. It would be . . . I remember being at the grocery store or at Aldi with toddlers and babies. And older women would be like, cherish these days. And I'm like, are you kidding me? Like, I am exhausted.

[00:20:33] I am so sleep deprived right now. They're needy. It's just . . . physically, it's a lot, you know? I mean, just . . . It's all hours of the night and the day. And just . . . you're physically exhausted. And . . . but now, where I am, I'm like . . . . . . okay, now I see what those women were saying. Because, you know, now . . . I've got one from college down to six.

[00:21:00] And it's now emotional, mental . . . . . Right, right. . . . physical. It's all the things. Because now you're . . . You're releasing a kid into the world. Yeah. And, you know, it's like they took . . . . . you gave so much in the beginning. Yeah. They were in your body. You gave everything. You did it all to just release them. Yeah. And it's like . . . . . that . . it's so . . . . . . it's crazy. Yeah.

[00:21:29] It's crazy that, like, that was a part of parenting that I was not . . . Inhumanistic kids existed. And, . . . So you do kind of long for those days where they are all there . . . And they are all . . .

[00:21:48] Oh, even though . . . and your spouse have prayed about, discerned about with God with regards to your family.

[00:22:14] Stay true to that because too many times we can be so persuaded by the people around us, by social media, and thinking, I've got to do this. My kids need to do this. My kids need to do that. You mean they compare themselves to other parents? We compare ourselves so much to so many other people, even though we wouldn't say we're keeping up with the Joneses, in a way we're keeping up with the Joneses. We're trying to do that at all times. And that's just, from experience, it's just exhausting. Don't do it.

[00:22:44] Like, pray about your own family. Pray with your spouse about your family. And just trust God. Like, if your house is a wreck because you couldn't get to it, because you have a kid who's throwing up, and the only thing you did all day long was hold that kid while they were throwing up, and you feel like you accomplished nothing. No, you accomplished the greatest thing.

[00:23:10] You know, like, that's the highest calling, was to be in the suffering with the kid, to help alleviate it, and to do what you could. Like, you feel worthless at the end of the day. Like, I didn't do anything. I mean, there were some times when my husband would come home, and I'm like, I kept the kids alive. Like, you know, the house looks a wreck. But that was the mentality, though, that we can get caught up in, is that, no, my house needs to look perfect, even though I have toddlers. But I kept them alive.

[00:23:39] And it's like, no, like, that's the greatest good, was providing for them and doing, like, getting with them, playing with them, being childlike yourself, doing all of that with them. And if the house was a bit of a disaster. Who cares? Okay. Right. Like, but we sometimes put our priorities in the wrong spot. So it's, you know, I was actually talking to one of my boys as we were going for a walk.

[00:24:08] And I had a priest who was, we had gone on a retreat. He was at a retreat that I was at. And we were watching sunrises. Like, every morning we would watch sunrises and pray the liturgy of the hours. And it was just beautiful. And I was like, oh, God, you're so good. And he sent me, he was at the beach, sent me a picture of a sunrise, epic sunrise on a beach. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. That's great. That's so beautiful.

[00:24:35] And I'm, well, I'm sitting there with a six-year-old who's been throwing up. Oh. Like, all night long. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, this is not beautiful. And I was on this walk with my teenager. We were talking about sunrises, sunsets, and all of that. I was like, I do have to remind myself, though. Like, going to a sunrise, that's a beautiful thing. Yeah. And you need to do it. It's something that you really enjoy.

[00:25:05] But the most beautiful things are in the midst of the suffering. Yeah. So actually holding the child who's very sick, even though it's like you don't want to have to do that. Yeah. You know? Who wouldn't want to be on a beach watching a sunrise? Right, sure. You know? But, like, being there with a sick kid, having them fall asleep on you, and you just help them through that, like, that's actually the most beautiful thing in the world.

[00:25:34] Yeah, what a great point. I mean, that's a really good point. It kind of harkens back to what Kira and I were talking about before the podcast. We were just saying that so much of life and the important things in life are found in the mediocre, humdrum things of life. And that's ironic because we are called as Christians to not be mediocre. Yeah.

[00:26:01] We're called to be saints with heroic sanctity. And yet, ironically, that heroic sanctity is found in the mediocre of life. Yeah. In other words, the little way of St. Therese or whatever. And I think it, yeah, it's, if, from my perspective, as one who does not have children but who knows hundreds of people who do,

[00:26:27] if I could change one thing about parents, especially mothers, it would be that the sense of them always feeling like they've never done enough. Yeah. That they've never given enough time, that they should be doing more. And this kind of perpetual ogre of guilt that plagues them all the time. All the time. Yeah.

[00:26:53] That they, and then fast forward years later, that they deeply internalize their own child's bad behavior. Mm-hmm. That clearly I did something wrong. Yeah. And it's, and I get it. I'm a backseat driver. I don't know what that's like. So I absolutely get that. On the other hand, I have to remind them, yes, you clearly are doing enough. Yeah. I mean, I see this because I know their families well.

[00:27:21] I've known them, I knew these couple long before they had children. Mm-hmm. And I know what, I see what they're doing. Mm-hmm. But often in their perspective, they're not doing enough. Yeah. Yeah. And so I think if I could change one thing, it would be that. Mm-hmm. But yeah, I mean, I think that to your point, every child is different. They have different needs. Yeah. Yeah. And you do, you have to adapt to all the different needs, the different personalities. Yeah.

[00:27:49] And that was, you know, that's why we can't do, we can't compare. Yeah. Because God is, I mean, the way God has designed us and created us, we're unique and unrepeatable as St. John Paul II said in Theology of the Body. You know, you are unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable. Each individual person is. So there's never going to be another you ever in existence. Yeah. And so you take that and then you mix that with a spouse who is the same.

[00:28:19] Mm-hmm. And then you create children who are the same. Your family is not meant to look like every other family. Yeah, that's right. Like your family is meant to do something great that only God has designed your family to do. Yeah. And so if you're not, if he's not center in your life, then we're just going to be just floating around, just kind of doing the next thing that we think we should be doing. Mm-hmm. Based off of what everybody else around us is doing.

[00:28:46] But we have to really be focused on what does God intend for our family? Mm-hmm. And so we can't be comparing.

[00:29:16] And so then you have to deal with each kid and their uniqueness. Yeah. And some are a lot. Mm-hmm. And some are, you know, some get lost in the shuffle. Yeah. Because they're so like introverted and quiet. And so trying to navigate through all of these different personalities and people and stages in life and everything is, it's difficult, but you have to be intentional with everything.

[00:29:46] Mm-hmm. Because you have to be intentional with that one who's, you know, the quieter one. Yeah. You have to say at dinnertime, okay, we love that you want to talk. Let's listen to this one. Mm-hmm. Sure. You know. Sure. Because it's just. Because you can't play favorites. No, you can't. Yeah. Even though they want you to. Yeah. And they think you do play favorites. It's, you know, it's. Right. Parishoners will like this too. Yeah. Yep. It's really, really true.

[00:30:15] And very much so. And 100%. And I would add maybe just to say, I think that, I think one of the greatest, perhaps the greatest gift, other than faith, that parents can give their children is to let the kids see them loving on each other. Yeah. And loving each other. And I mean, which I think sometimes parents, for them, they don't think about that. It's just kind of normal.

[00:30:45] It's like questioning oxygen. Yeah. But kids, as you know, very, very much pick up on tension. Oh, yeah. I mean, they have an acute nose for tension and hypocrisy. But I would say, like, trying to, like, understand from a child's perspective, the importance of a kiss on the cheek, a back rub, snuggling on the couch as you're watching a show or something. All this, they see all this stuff.

[00:31:15] Yeah. And it really does have an amazing impact. So praying for mamas. You guys are awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Praying for all of you out there because it's the highest calling, which means it's going to... It's going... It is... It's purification. Yeah. Truly. It's total purification. But in the most beautiful way. Yeah. Talk to my mom. She'll echo that. Yeah.

[00:31:45] Listen, don't forget to put soul in your food and give food to your soul. God bless you. Bye. Bye.