Homily: How to Deal with Difficult People

[00:00:00] Good morning. Welcome to our guest at St. Mike's today. It's good to have you. Welcome. So some of you may know that the smallest capital in our country is Montpelier, Vermont. Last count they have about 8,000 people in Montpelier, four stoplights I think.

[00:00:24] So many years ago I was in Montpelier and I was going to class one day, on my way to class on a very wintery morning. And I stopped into a Starbucks to get a coffee and a muffin on my way to class. And I go up to the counter and the woman asked me, she said, would you like cream in your coffee?

[00:00:47] And my response was two words, yes ma'am. And with that word, ma'am, she exploded. Just totally, totally lost it. Started yelling at the top of her lungs. The manager goes running over there. I think they thought I was trying to rob the place. I don't think this is very threatening, but apparently, I don't know, I guess it is.

[00:01:13] So they politely asked me to leave. So I'm standing out in front of Starbucks with my coffee and my muffin. And I remember thinking, wow, Fr. Ben, you're not in Kansas anymore. Very, very different. So she clearly interpreted the word ma'am as being disrespectful. I clearly interpret it as being disrespectful if I didn't use it.

[00:01:41] What's the point? Here's the point. We're very different people. Are we not, northerners and southerners? This is one of the first things that immigrants notice when they come to this country. See the same thing, for instance, in Italy. Very, very different. For instance, northerners, I'm being gentle when I say this, they typically don't talk. Right? They don't talk. And they'll say good morning, typically don't talk. All right?

[00:02:08] They're very direct in how they speak. More so than southerners. Bless her heart. Right? They generally don't hold the door. I noticed this when I was living in Washington, D.C. They typically don't hold the door for someone coming in right after them. They prefer hockey over SEC football. No one's perfect. And, of course, you know, for us, we refer to Coke.

[00:02:38] What do they call Coke? Pop, right? Soda. Which kind of grates on my nerves, but it's a small cross. We're different. Southerners, we take our time with things. Yes, sir. No, sir. Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. Of course, for us, maybe the big thing is we have crystal. They have white castle. Right? We're very different. We're brought up in different ways.

[00:03:04] But I remember thinking to myself that afternoon as I was sitting in class, I wonder what her story is. I wonder what her story is. Like, why was that word so very offensive that she started yelling at the top of her lungs?

[00:03:27] I was later talking to a friend of mine, and he said that, you know, Ben, when you use yes, sir, no, sir, yes, ma'am, no, ma'am in the north, it's like walking in the Library of Congress and belching as loud as possible. Okay? People don't want to hear that here. Okay? But it's a hard lesson. Point being, we're very different. We're very, very different. How do we deal with difficult people in our life? For her, maybe I was difficult. For me, clearly, she was difficult.

[00:03:56] How do we deal with difficult people? This is a life skill that we're all going to have to learn. At some point, we are going to deal with a difficult person or people. We just are. What do I mean, difficult people? For instance, people that are highly passive-aggressive, that are micromanagers, that are bullies. People, maybe it's none of them. Maybe they're just annoying. Right?

[00:04:24] Maybe you have somebody that's sticking their nose in your business all the time. Some of us have that in our families. How do we deal with this? The trick, I believe, is that we have to learn to work with these people without letting them rob our peace. That's when we have a problem. When all of our, we're so anxious about that person that they steal our peace.

[00:04:51] And you know what happens when they steal your peace? You become a hostage. You're a hostage to that person. So we have to learn to deal with difficult people in this life without letting them rob our peace. We do. Maybe we could say it this way. Bad people sometimes do good things and good people do bad things. Bad things sometimes happen to good people and good things sometimes happen to bad people.

[00:05:19] Whether good people or bad people, all people are going to have to deal with difficult people. So how do we do that without losing our peace? It's a life skill we should all know. And I have to tell you, if you pull back the layers of a difficult person, in that heart is a little boy or a little girl who is terrified of others knowing the truth about them.

[00:05:50] That's usually the acorn in the oak tree of their heart. They're scared. They're scared. You know, in the Old Testament in 2 Samuel 16, there's this beautiful image, I love this, King David is coming back from battle with his army. And they're walking back to Jerusalem and about 10 steps in front of him is this young man named Shammai.

[00:06:17] And Shammai is walking in front of him and he's picking up stones and he's throwing all these stones at King David, cussing at him the whole time using profanity, throwing these rocks. So one of David's soldiers turns to King David and said, My king, give me the word and I will go over and lob his head off right now.

[00:06:41] That is one way to deal with a difficult person right there. Sounds kind of appealing actually, right? And David turns to the guy and he says, he turns to his soldier. And he says, you know, what if God put him there to keep me humble? What if God is using that difficult person to keep me humble? Maybe I need it.

[00:07:09] And I have to be honest, I'm not denying that difficult people are difficult. I'm not denying them. On the other hand, is it possible, just floating this out there, is it possible that that difficult person is there to keep us humble? Could be. Maybe David's on to something.

[00:07:33] By the way, if you're ever on an airplane and you're sitting next to a difficult person who's just annoying, the best thing you can do is turn to him and say, Brother, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior? Okay. Because I can guarantee you they will get up and leave. Works every time. Did you know that, you know a chef's tope, right? A chef's hat. They call it a tope.

[00:08:02] So on a chef's hat, there's a hundred pleats or ripples on that, okay? And there's a reason there's a hundred pleats or ripples on a chef's hat is because a good chef should know how to prepare eggs in a hundred ways. And that's what they used to do with young cooks. They call it the tope test. And literally the way they would do it, they did it with me, is you take, they take a paper tope,

[00:08:31] and you have to prepare eggs in a hundred ways without a recipe. And they would count them off. One, two, three, four. So as a young cook, I was taking the tope test and I got to number four and I was making poached eggs. Well, I overcooked the eggs, scrambled them. It's kind of gross. But this chef was yelling at me so bad that literally, no joke, my nose was inside of his mouth.

[00:09:00] And the only thing I could think was, I can see this man's tonsils. Right? It was like that scene, have you ever seen Forrest Gump with the drill sergeant? Kind of similar. But I remember again thinking later that day, you know, I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm managing people. But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

[00:09:30] And one of the things that you and I can learn from difficult people is what not to do, which in some cases is far more important than knowing what to do. God will show us what to do when we have to do what we have to do. But knowing what not to do is in some cases far, far more important. Ask anybody that has been raised in dysfunctional households and they will often tell you they learn what not to do.

[00:10:00] Just some suggestions if you're dealing with a difficult person. Number one, learn their backstory. Learn their backstory. Ask them the questions. Tell me your story, man. It may be annoying. Maybe you don't want to talk to them. But most people are flattered if you ask them that question. And then you have more compassion for them. It's still kind of annoying. But you have more compassion. Like, okay, I can kind of see that. All right.

[00:10:29] Number two, do not internalize their bad behavior. Long before I met this woman at Starbucks in Vermont, she probably was a challenging person. And long after I was gone, she was probably challenging. Okay? Has nothing to do with us. Even if they say it does, it usually doesn't. Don't internalize their bad behavior. Number three, boundaries. If you need to give them a boundary, do so. Jesus did that many times.

[00:11:00] The truth is, for many people that are highly non-confrontational, giving boundaries, they have an allergy to it. They would rather take the abuse. Okay? Again, when you do that, you are a hostage. Don't become a hostage. You can't have peace that way. And finally, last point.

[00:11:27] It's a very, very, I think, maybe pivotal point. For each one of us, we need to realize when we're dealing with a difficult person, don't increase the problem by yourself being rude. In other words, check your attitude at the door. Sometimes, difficult people are difficult because they perceive in us something that is difficult to them. You with me?

[00:11:55] So we don't want to add to the problem by ourself being difficult. Bad people sometimes do good things, and good people do bad things. Bad things sometimes happen to good people, and good things sometimes happen to bad people. Whether we're bad people or good people, all people are going to have to deal with difficult people sooner or later. The medal of the man and the medal of the woman is how they can deal with those people without letting them rob their peace.

[00:12:25] So, some of you may know that in the year 1780, right at the height of the Revolutionary War, our battle with Britain, General George Washington, before he became president, had a general under his command, a major general. His name was Benedict Arnold. And Benedict Arnold was an amazing general. He was incredible. Young man, passionate.

[00:12:55] He was smart on the battlefield. The problem was with Benedict Arnold, he got too big for his britches. He got a little big head. And he kept wanting more and more promotions. And so, George Washington saw in Benedict Arnold a younger version of himself who was wanting to move up the ranks. And Washington said, no, no, this kid needs some humility.

[00:13:22] And so, he wouldn't give him promotions. Well, that really, really ticked off Benedict Arnold. So, Benedict Arnold, who was in charge of West Point at the time, goes to the Brits and says, I will give you West Point if you give me money. In modern day money, it would have been about $4 million, roughly. So, the Brits accepted. The whole thing was exposed, as some of you know.

[00:13:50] And Benedict Arnold and his family fled to the UK to avoid being hanged for treason. But even the British people looked down their nose at Benedict Arnold as a traitor. He was even hated in the UK. And it's hard for us, I think, in modern day to understand how deeply, deeply wounded George Washington was by that betrayal.

[00:14:18] Because they were colleagues, but he was also a very dear friend. And this is why I'm sharing this story with you. Have you had a Benedict Arnold in your life? Somebody who has deeply betrayed you? Jesus did. His name was Judas Iscariot. Benedict Arnold was the classic case of what we hear in Proverbs chapter 16.

[00:14:46] Pride goes before the what? The fall. The classic case. And this is what often happens, right? As we become inebriated with our own ego. And ambition, as St. Paul says, can totally blind us if we're not careful. Yeah, it's good to have goals. Ambition can blind us if we're not careful. Because we don't see what's right and who is right in front of us. Because we're always looking to the future.

[00:15:15] For each one of us, brothers and sisters, we have to learn how to deal with difficult people. We do. And the medal of the man and the medal of the woman is how we deal with them without losing our peace.